Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
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I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Isn’t
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.