Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
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4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!