Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
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We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
that’s really how it is
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing