I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
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How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.