Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
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Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
This raises questions
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!