“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
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I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Erm…
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”