Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
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me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.