*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
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I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer