Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
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Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.