The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
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The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
CUTE CAT鈥硷笌
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it鈥檚 not butter.’ We鈥檙e sick of your shit, Bob.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
We have a winner.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 馃槈
#nofilter
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that鈥檚 bullshit
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.