Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
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celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.