i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
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I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
what’s the point then??
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?