Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
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“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt