The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
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Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
When does CPR become necrophilia?
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.