The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
You Might Also Like
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
thanksgiving should be called feaster
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.