Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
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Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.