*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
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I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?