When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”