I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
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[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.