To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
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god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
i love modern commerce
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.