History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
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Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy