Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
You Might Also Like
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date