When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
You Might Also Like
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited