It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
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*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.