detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.