Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
You Might Also Like
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Saturday
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.