ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
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I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people