Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
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me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.