Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
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“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
The point of your 20s
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…