JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
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Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Wednesday
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Would you wear it?
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?