If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
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if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*