ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
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Nigella has gone too far this time.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
every single time
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,