putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
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8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
There’s only one good girl here!
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
mechanics be like
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside