“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
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*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit