It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
There’s only one good girl here!
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
HELP 😭
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy