When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
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Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
The glory of fall.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I’m good, thanks.
Tier 3 meme
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem