I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
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*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Stop it! 😂
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.