Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
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IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
This story is comedy gold 😂
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics