Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
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My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I thought this was funny lol
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.