Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
You Might Also Like
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.