all that yoga finally paid off
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If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.