A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
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friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.