Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
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ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality