Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
You Might Also Like
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.