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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it