How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
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If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident