A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
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[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
secret recipe