*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
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[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Okay
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u