Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
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If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.