Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
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ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
In case you needed to hear it: